I haven’t been feeling right lately. I realized that I was victim to a cycle of up-and-down depression. I would be up one moment and down the next. I served God with all my heart, but I couldn’t understand why I was so easily flustered, so emotional, and just plain unhappy.
To be honest, the answer did not come quickly. I pouted and spewed for a little while. I would wait to be uplifted by a fresh word from the Spirit, but it was not initiating a long-lasting change. Suddenly, the truth made sense to me. Through time, I was able to see what went wrong and I’m relieved to finally conceptualize these things today: I started focusing on myself. My eyes were no longer on my Lord & Savior. I had started worrying about me. What would I eat? What would I drink? Was I pretty? Was I happy? I couldn’t lift my thoughts from myself for a second. I inhaled things that spoke into my being and could barely mind much of anyone else. I wanted to be instantaneously happy and I was going to find out how to do that.
I started obsessing over my circumstances. I was constantly checking my bank account and calculating/re-calculating my finances. I was trying to figure out what I would eat during the day and it was not coming from a well-intentioned heart. I was worrying and my view on my problems kept me residing in that state. I had bills to pay with no money, errands to run with no gas, and books to sell with no team. My situations looked bleak but I lived as if these temporary problems couldn’t be mastered by an Almighty God. I became passionate about my issues and stale towards my Solution. I stopped feeding my spirit convicting messages.
If or when I was listening to sermons at all, I aligned myself to “feel-good” words. These words are great and I don’t knock them but I knew what I was doing was wrong. I simply wanted a message to help me convince myself I was okay. I manipulated these sermons to sell a message to my mind that I didn’t have to PICK UP my mat and walk. I carried on as a damsel in distress because I didn’t want to face correction or conviction. Daddy loved me and I was “trying.” Yes, my Heavenly Father loves me but there is nothing okay with me continuing in my sin against Him. Worry is a sin and I continued to worry, fret, doubt, overanalyze, plan in fear when I knew I needed to trust Him alone. I needed to trust Him not by my strength, but His and I wasn’t willing to do that because I wanted Him to PROVE Himself worthy.
I desired a fresh word over an old one. I was on the lookout for a new word from the Holy Spirit. “God, what are you going to do about this problem? Lord, what will you say about this?” It is completely fine to run to your Father and cast your cares, ask Him questions, wait for His Spirit to speak to you, but it is not okay to act like you don’t already know what He says about most things in your life through the Bible.
Daddy tells us, we are not to worry. He tells us that all things will work for our good. He also tells us SO MUCH more in His word that aren’t go-to verses. However, I wanted Him to tell me something new to console me, as if His word wasn’t already there trying to educate me. In addition to that, He’s ALREADY spoken into my spirit about many things that should put me to rest. Yet, I carried out this plan to have Him continuously showcase His love for me as if the cross was not enough.
I was impatient. I want things to start moving in my life. Granted, I have huge accomplishments already, but the Lord has prophesized ministry over my life and I cannot simply wait out this season of rain. I am ready for the flowers to start blooming! You see, this season is all about God pouring His nutrients in me to begin to sprout flowers into my life. I am being moisturized into His purposes. I underwent such a dry and barren season months ago that this rain was absolutely NECESSARY! Unfortunately, I am being impatient. I’ve convinced myself that I’ve drunk my fill of these showers and I’m ready to be pushed into the sunny, pretty, happy land of productivity and purpose. What a huge misconception I’ve developed!
I am just as much purposed now as I will be later when I am in full-time ministry. I can be just as happy now as later when things sprout in my life. Jesus promises us that once we drink from His living water we will never be thirsty again; yet I placed a limit on how much I should drink during this time because I was too ready for the next step.
Jesus brought me to the depth of what I was doing and I had to repent and turn back to face Him. I thought I was the mastermind because this great plan for my life, when He is the Alpha and the Omega. In conclusion, I’ve listed this Psalm that illustrated exactly how I felt. It was a great passage for this turning point in my life:
Psalm 77:5-15 I think of the good old days, long since ended, when my nights were filled with joyful songs. I search my soul and ponder the difference now. Has the Lord rejected me forever? Will he never again be kind to me? Is his unfailing love gone forever? Have his promises permanently failed? Has God forgotten to be gracious? Has he slammed the door on his compassion? Interlude
And I said, “This is my fate; the Most High has turned his hand against me.” But then I recall all you have done, O Lord; I remember your wonderful deeds of long ago. They are constantly in my thoughts. I cannot stop thinking about your mighty works.
O God, your ways are holy. Is there any god as mighty as you? You are the God of great wonders! You demonstrate your awesome power among the nations.
I had to remember who God was and I had to remember what He has done in my life. I encourage you, if you are feeling like I was, to take the time to reflect, record, and remember all that God has done in your life. Remember how mighty He always is. Love, Stephanie Nativita
Stephanie Deltor aspires to obtain a MD degree in gynecology after completing her MA in Mental Health Counseling at Boston University School of Medicine. She wishes to one day own her own practice where she can provide excellent services to her patients and gain a platform to uplift all women in Christ. Miss Deltor would also like to publish several books, continue volunteering in Haiti to the medically ill, and be used by God in whatever way He desires. By December, she will have her first book published called “From Spelmanites You”, which aims to counsel incoming students of her alma mater, Spelman College. In her spare time, Miss Deltor loves to travel, write, read, and spend time with her family. She blogs at www.letters2thesoul.com.