A couple of months ago, I went through a break up with the guy I legitimately thought I was going to marry. Ouchhh.
Another ouch came when, a few days later, I overheard my dad say I wouldn’t stay single long.
Sounds sweet, right? No. He didn’t mean it in a “she’s such a catch, she’ll have boys lined up knocking on her door” kind of way. He meant it in a “she can’t function when she’s single” kind of way.
Naturally, I was incredibly offended at first. I thought he was saying the relationship I’d poured my heart into meant nothing to me, and I’d bounce right back. Or, that I was easy to get and had nothing better to do with my time than try to win the heart of some guy. But then I took a look at my track record, heard his actual reason behind the prediction, and realized he had an embarrassingly good point.
I can’t function as just Maddy. I definitely wouldn’t consider myself a serial dater, but I have been Maddy & Someone or Maddy & Getting Over Someone or Maddy & Almost Someone since I was 15 years old. I can’t remember a time when I went more than a few months without at least having a crush on a guy since I started elementary school. Even those times when I genuinely want to be single for the sake of moving forward in other areas of my life (e.g., right now) I’m just not good at it. Argh.
People might read this and think I have bad intentions or call me cute little names I won’t say in case my grandma sees, but that’s not the case. It’s simply the fact that when I’m not with someone, I’m vulnerable to insecurities that seem to disappear whenever there’s someone who tells me I’m wanted and worthy of love every day. (Side note: please join me in embracing this (Link:https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ruyaKdPfTN4) jam session opportunity.)
I’m by no means saying I’ve only ever dated guys because they made me feel better about myself. Some of them were really incredible people that just weren’t the right match, and I’m glad I got the chance to get to know them/ help them feel great about themselves.
But I do think part of the reason I got in the relationships that I knew deep down were a recipe for disaster was to escape that awful feeling of insecurity.
I was clearly sooo daft for expecting to find a true escape from my problem in boyfriends… because, how could any of them give me more security than the one who’s loved me since the beginning of time, and will love me for eternity?
You know in that song, “She Will Be Loved”, how Maroon 5 sings about standing on a corner every single day waiting for that beauty queen of only 18? Well, it doesn’t happen in real life. We sit around waiting for some guy to give us any sort of attention, while ignoring the fact that there’s already someone desiring to immerse us in love 24/7. He’s someone whose love you’ve probably heard a lot about, but maybe haven’t given much thought to- at least I know that I didn’t for most of my life. If I had, I wouldn’t be writing this post right now because I wouldn’t be struggling with this dilemma.
Have you ever thought about how much Jesus loves us? Like, reeeeallllly thought about it.
Imagine some random guy in your bio lecture came to you one day to say he was letting himself GET CRUCIFIED for YOUR SAKE. You’d be all, “No, seriously, that’s okay, you don’t have to do that. I did nothing to deserve it!” But let’s say he did it anyway. Personally, I’d be FLIPPING OUT. I mean, I get excited when someone in my bio lecture holds the door open for me.
A guy can send me a goodnight text with a winky face and my heart does flips, but Jesus’s love letter to me was carved into his flesh with nails and sometimes I hardly think twice about it. My heart clearly does not have its gymnastics act together.
For some reason, we don’t freak out over HOW INCREDIBLY IN LOVE WITH US GOD IS, because it doesn’t occur to us to do so. Just because He’s God, we expect and take for granted amazing gifts from Him, such as, you know, sending His son to die for our sins and stuff. We don’t let ourselves have our moment to be blown away by His efforts to win our hearts. If you don’t sometimes sit in mass and giggle or blush or cry happy/guilty/grateful tears because you can hardly handle the realization that someone loves you THAT much then you are missin’ out, sister.
Moral of the story: Insecurity doesn’t come from a lack of a boyfriend/ girlfriend, it comes from a lack of faith in God. Relationships can be a great thing, but they’re not the best thing, and they don’t fill the God-shaped hole that’s in everyone’s heart. By no means should we feel like something’s missing just because we’re single. By all means, we should feel like something’s missing if we’re not letting ourselves bask in the love God desires to give us.
And if you find yourself liking someone, go for it, date the guy. But be with him because you like who they are, not because you need them to like who you are.
Right now, I don’t know if there’s a guy out there for me. But I do know that God and I are better together than apart. And that’s more than enough to last me a lifetime of singleness. 🙂
Let yourself be loved and cherished today, by the One who created you to love and be loved.
You can follow Maddie Rae at www.brokenlovebinds.wordpress.com
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